It has recently come to my attention that some of my friends are unfamiliar with the reset button.  So, in their honor, I’m going to re-write my note on how to hit the reset button.

• Take a nap: This is the best way to hit the reset button.  If you’re feeling just not right you should have a do over.  Go back to bed so that you can wake up again because you’re probably exhausted and over stimulated anyway.

• Take a shower:  This is a great way to get rid of psychic debris.  If you really need to get the bad vibes off you wash with salt.  Sea salt is good, table salt also works just fine.  And it’ll make your skin bright and lovely.  Lavender soap works wonders for the attitude adjustment also.

• Wash your face:  If you can’t take a shower, wash your face.  I use this one at work some times.

• Take a walk:  I’m not talking about taking a walk around the block, I’m talking about taking a half hour walk.  It’ll take you out of your head.

• Invert yourself:  When you stand yourself upside down you let all the pieces fall up in the air and come back down in a different place.  If you can’t do a hand stand or a head stand then touch your toes.  I’ve used this one at work too and believe me, it really helps.  It’s also really helpful with creative blocks.

•  Prosac:  I call lavender oil Prosac because it is such a great mood enhancer.  There are 2 kinds of lavender oil.  The kind that works the best is SPIKE lavender oil.  Not only is it good for getting you out of a funk, it’s a natural antiseptic and is good for you boo boos.  I put the lavender oil under my nose or sometimes I just break out the bottle and smell it.

•  Holy Basil:  This stuff is AMAZING.  It’s good for stress, allergies, digestion and a bunch of other healthy stuff I’m not that concerned with.  Holy Basil has stopped me from grinding my teeth with I’m overwrought about big deal life changes and has headed off many embarrassing melt downs.  You can get it at any health food store.  I use a tincture and it can be made with or with out alcohol.

•  Playing with an animal:  Spending time with a cute pet always helps me.  I don’t have a pet of my own so I’m always glomming on my neighbor’s pet.  Don’t feel bad about burdening the animal.  It’s their job to cheer us up.

Do not try to hit the reset button with cupcakes, caffeine or alcohol.  These things will only make you more crazy when you’re off your axis.  I know you know this already but these are the things we tend to reach for the most when we’re askew.

If you’ve tried these things and still can’t shake the funk do something nice for somebody else.  My favorite good deed is cooking a friend dinner.  There’s one rule about the “good dead” reset; you CAN NOT talk about what’s bothering you while you do the good deed.  That would be a manipulative way of sneak attacking someone with your problems.  I find when things are just wrong and nothing seems to work, doing something nice for someone else really takes my mind off of me.

And if all that doesn’t work, act it out with sock puppets.  Whether it’s a problem or just a mood, if it won’t budge get some sock puppets and play out the whole drama.  The only rule with this one is you have to do it for at least one other person.  Doing it all by yourself doesn’t count…..unless you video tape it and then show it to someone.  I guarantee you that acting out the thorn in your side with the sock puppets will solidly change your perspective in ways you can not imagine.

And remember, when you’re in a funk, it won’t last.  Hit the reset button and pack your bags for Funky Town.  All your friends are already there waiting for you.

I wrote this blog on the 4th of July because it was something that was swimming around in my head. I hope you enjoy it. I’m curious to hear what you think about it:

I’m thankful for the United States because it provided a destination for people all over the world who wanted a better life. All the people who wanted a better life enough to do something about it came here for the big hootenanny. Because of all the hard work and sacrifice of our ancestors, we now have things like Burning Man, rock and roll, the internet, pizza and a bunch of other very useful things that I know I don’t have to list for you.

The people who came to this county were people who were generally inclined to live life in a way that was right for them rather than living the way society was tending to dictate. My great great great grandfather came to this country because he was some really rich guy who’s family owned a china factory and he wanted to marry one of the factory workers. He walked away from an enormous fortune for him and all his future heirs to live a happy life with the woman he loved. If it weren’t for this country he wouldn’t have been able to do that. And if it weren’t for this country I wouldn’t have gotten to meet most of my friends who are from a variety of ethnic backgrounds and who are incredibly creative and innovative.

One of the founding principals of this country is patting ourselves on the back. In reaction, we have many who see this country for its shortcomings. Many of those shortcomings have to do with the way we conduct ourselves as a country. Our leaders have been embarrassing us a whole bunch by blowing a lot of things up and trying to conquer the world. (Though I believe that every government would probably like to conquer the world for themselves.) I also think that as citizens we have to take responsibility for putting our government in power. We elected those guys that are making the decisions many of us don’t like. And if we didn’t elect them but somehow they found themselves in a position of power, we have to take some responsibility and initiative and ask ourselves how that happened. In the Burning Man culture we have what is called a “Do-ocracy.” For those of you who don’t know, a Do-ocracy is when someone notices something is wrong, or needs doing they are elected to fix or do. That doesn’t mean you have to solve the whole problem yourself but what is does mean is that you have to do something other than complain or tell someone else to fix it.

These times we live in are becoming so much less about black and white and so much more about shades of gray. I know we’re all noticing that. And in that spirit I think it’s important to acknowledge what we as a country have going for us and try to accentuate those things. Many of us are desiring change and I want to point out that as far back as the 60’s there have been oceans of change that have really been picking up speed and metamorphosing themselves in very positive directions. We still have much to do but I think if we realize how empowered we truly are and all use the things we know we’re good at, the change will flow even faster. For example, I’m good at throwing parties. You may ask yourself “what good is a party when there are people starving, wreckage and a bunch of other terrible problems.” Well, when a bunch of people come together connections get made, ideas happen and plans get hatched. I hope all those times you were coming to my fun parties you didn’t think they were just a bunch of frivolity and buffoonery.

And one more thing before I end this rant. When you do something you’re good at and do it for others to see, not only will you bring people together ,you send the message that they can do it too. I mean that very sincerely. You know those parties where no one jumps in to the pool until someone else does it first? I really hope you give this some thought.

Have a look for yourself:

http://www.katu.com/amnw/segments/116668229.html

The thing about the Scary Man is that he’s usually got a very high IQ.  And the thing about those with the high IQ is that they get bored.  When these people act out it’s usually to amuse themselves.  Think about the class clown.  I’ve always loved that guy because I’ve found him very clever and creative.  If you think about it, people who are funny don’t tend to be dull witted.  The class clown isn’t some I tend to date but I think he’s very stimulating and festive company.

The other thing about the Scary Man (and I’ve mentioned this before) is he’s shy.  One way I’ve discovered this  is by paying attention to my Scary Man friends.  I notice when a woman does show interest they are not quite as bold as when they were taking the initiative.  The other way I’ve noticed is when the fright and shock of the many repeated  attempts by the Scary Man has worn off, and I was able to turn to them and say “hey buddy, women don’t like that.”  All of a sudden the outlandish pick up lines, the over blown behavior, the looming and such comes to a grinding halt and in it’s place there is an interesting conversation. You know, now that I think of it, nearly all my Scary Man friends have tried to hit on me towards the beginning of our friendship.

If you’re a Scary Man my advice is to cool your jets.  Use your finer powers of observation and you will notice interesting things about people.  You will also see the ways that people are interacting with each other are interesting too.  If you’re still bored start a conversation about something that interests you such as places you’ve traveled to, something you’re working on or a movie you’d like to see.  Try not to pick something right off the bat that’s considered shocking.  If you must, save that for later in the conversation when you’ve established a connection or rapport.  And if you can’t stop yourself from bringing up the weird stuff just make sure you stay away from over the top behavior such as ranting, wild gesticulation and too much drinking.  Remember, “be a gentleman.”  Think of someone who’s a gentleman and don’t do something the gentleman would find mortifying.  Another thing to remember, I’m not saying don’t be scary anymore.  Just don’t be scary when you’ve notice someone you’d like to get to know better.  I’m a huge proponent of being yourself but we must be discerning.

If the the Scary Man has turned his attention to you, stay calm.  Tell him “I’m sure you’re trying to find someone you can be happy with but women don’t like that.”  I can assure you, I’ve used it many times and it has always worked.  The key is to stay as calm as you can because it will make what you have to say much easier for the Scary Man to hear.  It will redirect his attention away from you and back to him.  What you do from there is up to you; run away, stay and chat, change the subject.  Whatever you choose let me know.  I’m curious to hear how it goes for you.

The reason I share this is I hear the same thing from so many men.  Men who seem so wonderful have told me that they’re clueless in regards to connecting with women.  And I wonder what this is all about.  Could it be the natural anxiety that comes from putting yourself out there to someone who you want to impress, someone who’s opinion you value?  Could it be that there were times that they came along right after some doofus finished drooling on a woman’s sneakers and she was not feeling too social?

I just don’t know!  But one thing I did express on today’s interview is that as a woman I want to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.  I’m not scrutinizing his attire or his choice of words.  I’m not looking for fault.  I’m looking for someone I can have a good time with, who’s going to appreciate me back.

I’m hoping that by leaving my comfort zone and giving these interviews, men will read my book and be able to broaden their big picture.  I’m hoping men will be able to have a better understanding of the male/female dynamic by seeing somethings they weren’t able to before.  It’s important to see things from different perspectives.  Perhaps this will help men relax and be themselves.  I believe that trying way to hard and over attachments to out comes is the basic origin of the majority of the 7 Deadly Saboteurs that I write about.

In my book I use the example of a used car salesman to illustrate trying too hard.  If you went to look at a car, and the guy selling it was trying way too hard wouldn’t you wonder what was wrong with the car?  It’s a deal breaker.  I know that men don’t find it attractive when women are trying too hard.

As I’m fond of saying, men and women have to learn to live together on this planet.  The sooner we start meeting each other half way and communicating in a kind, respectful manner the happier we’ll all be.  And I sure hope that the work I’ve done can make all of that happen sooner than later.

If you want to see my interview it’s right here:

http://www.katu.com/amnw/segments/116668229.html

My segment of the interview is about half way through.  I hope you enjoy it.  It’s always an adventure.

http://fccfreeradio.com/archive/monika_previous_2010-11-19_21-55-06.mp3

Well, you know what I think?  I’ll tell you.  It’s in the chapter of my book called “Valentines Day.”  Here’s an excerpt:

Some people take a negative point of view about this holiday.  They think it means you have to buy a box of candy, some flowers, and take your partner out to dinner.  That’s what Hallmark, florists, and restaurant owners would have you believe but, since when do you listen to any of those guys?  I don’t.  Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love.  It’s about surrounding yourself with things you love to eat, love to look at, love to touch, the people you love, music you love to hear.  LOVE.  If you have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, be thankful.  It’s nice to have a girlfriend.  Do something nice.  If you don’t have a lot of money, pick her some flowers out of the ground, make her a silly card, cook dinner, light candles, rub her feet.  Just do something.  Create some kind of special evening.  It doesn’t have to be overboard. It just has to be special. And it will be special if you are sincere and put a little thought in to it.  If you find yourself at a complete loss, now would be a good time to hit up one of your female friends for the woman’s point of view.

If you and your partner are well matched, you will both enjoy similar things, so doing something nice should not be a hardship.  Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to make your partner feel special and appreciated.  Like I said before, When Mamma’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy. The deed is it’s own reward.  Another reason Valentine’s Day is a super-charged opportunity is because we’ve all had disappointing ones.  By making an effort to do something special, you will be just the opposite of all those guys who’ve ever disappointed her.  You will be lasered in her memory as the guy who gave her the best Valentine’s Day ever.  And she’ll also brag about you to all her girlfriends.  So please, take this advice.  Do something nice for Valentine’s Day.  And don’t act cranky about it.  I let a guy I was going out with read a rough draft of this book, and even after that, it damn near killed him to do something for me for Valentine’s Day.  On top of that, this was someone who was super on every other day of the year.  So even if after reading this you still don’t understand about Valentine’s Day, do it anyway.  After your first success, you will understand.  Then you will really like this day.  (And just wait and see what she does for you.)

Now, birthdays are very much like Valentine’s Day, but I still feel I have to mention them.  I mention birthdays because they’re a special occasion.  Special occasions as you know are a time to take a break from your personal monotony.  It’s an opportunity to step away and do something fun, so that you can revaluate things when you return to the grind.  It’s also a special moment that you share with people you appreciate.  If you are not partaking in the appreciation rituals with your love interest, she will be creating and cultivating bonds with others during these times.  These are times to fortify or slash and burn the relationship.  I had a boyfriend in college who totally cheesed out on my birthday.  That was something like 18 years ago, and I still remember.  He gave me a card and a flower with so much resentment and apathy.  He waited till the last minute as if he forgot it was my birthday or something.  So, I drove back to my home town and spent my birthday with this other guy.  We had a great time.  I still remember that, too.  And when I got back to college, I broke up with the boyfriend.

You know, that was something I was afraid of when I started my book.  I thought people would nit pick all the stuff I had to say.  I thought that maybe they’d take my generalizations and complain, “not all men are like that” and “what you’re saying isn’t true all of the time.”  And I would have to agree, nothing I have to say applies to everyone or all the time.  I thought people would act like I was trying to proclaim myself the world’s leading expert on the stuff I was talking about.  Yeah, I had some fears when I was getting started.

But you know what?  Feedback’s been good and very encouraging.  Back when I started telling my inappropriate admirers “women don’t like that” and they surprised me with their really constructive feedback, is when I started 2nd guessing my fears.  When I emailed men with my revisions of their Men Seeking Women ads and they thanked me for it, it gave me courage to keep going.

Every now and then I’ll run into someone who’s kind of defensive.  It’s never been a reaction that’s over the top and it’s always been clear to me that the reaction is because of something the other person is struggling with.  I had this radio interview at Burning Man this year and the interviewer was having issues with one of the 7 deadly saboteurs I call “The Interrogator.”  I could empathize with him on this one because his job was to ask me a bunch of questions.  But I pointed out that he was very considerate, letting me say what I had to say and engaging me by giving feed back and insights.  He did an excellent job; he didn’t put me on the hot seat by firing off one question after another, he wasn’t inappropriately personal, he really wasn’t anything but charming.  And I let him know (on the air.)  Yet for some reason he couldn’t let go of “The Interrogator” anxiety.  (Some times we really are our own worst critics.)

Once in a blue moon I’ll get a random little snide quip but surprisingly enough the work I’ve published has started some conversations that I’ve found really illuminating.  And I’ve found out that there are many other people thinking about the same things I was thinking about.

I’m glad I’ve been able to make myself write about this stuff.  Aside from wanting to see everyone happy with the person that’s right for them, I want people to know that it’s good to share what you’re thinking.  Most of us have so much interesting stuff swirling around in our heads but it’s so hard to stop, round it all up and get it down on paper.  Even if you can pull off the big round up, there’s the fear of how it’s going to sound.  I would have so many more blogs than I do now if I wasn’t so critical of how I was articulating my ideas.

But you know what?  This year I’m going to do my best to not care so much about having a highly refined, articulate, grammatically correct style of written communication.  So far it seems that speaking from my heart has been enough to get across what I have to say.  I’m hoping that those around me will be able to share their thoughts as well with out fear of being scrutinized or lambasted.

A charming man lets the woman come to him in terms of the personal space. Stay on your side of the invisible line. The invisible line is about six inches to one foot away from the woman. If you respect a woman’s personal space, she is going to feel safe and comfortable in your company. I hate to compare women to cats, but I’m going to anyway. If you want to pet a cat who does not know you, you have to let it come to you. If the cat does not come to you, you’re not going to chase it all over the place until it does come to you, right? We know it doesn’t work that way.

And then I thought of the other side of the coin, which is certain things in my own behavior that I may be unconscious of.  The thing is, a lot of times women (as well as pretty much everybody) are unaware of the non-verbal cues they’re making during a conversation.  For example, a week or two ago some guy I was chatting with at a bar pointed out that I was batting my eye lashes a lot during our conversation.  I found this really interesting b/c this is undoubtedly a flirty move and at the same time I am also undoubtedly unattracted to this person.  Obviously my behavior was unconscious and I wondered why I would do such a thing.  After giving it a little thought I realized it was because I was nervous.  I was nervous because I was some place unfamiliar with people I didn’t know so well.  I thought about it more and decided that it was likely that if I was feeling unsure of myself or insecure in any way I would most likely compensate by trying to be charming.  This phenomena can also be called people pleasing.

I said to myself, I could easily see how a man could misinterpret my behavior and act in a way that could make me feel horribly uncomfortable.  And I could see how that reaction (of being horribly uncomfortable) could be very confusing at best or at worst shaming to him.  And the bottom line of all of this is “big misunderstanding.”  and even farther beyond the bottom line is that most people aren’t going to be able to tune into unconscious behaviors let alone articulate them really slick.  As a result men and women continue to go around and around the same old loop feeling like the other is being ridiculous.